| Now I really have the internet... DSL baby |
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| 07:56pm 27/12/2005 |
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mood:  horny music: Guy Davis - Just can't help
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So if livejournal is even appealling to me anymore I might start doing it again. I'm tired as hell but I'm waiting for my laundry to get done right now and watching DVDs of Arrested Developement that my man-friend burned for me. Jason Bateman is, somehow, amazingly sexy to me. When I came home from my parents house from my three day holiday break (fucking LAME) my roommate's fish had died and our apartment smells foul now, so, needless to say- I'm pretty excited about that. I'm been spending the night at my man-friends house a lot lately but we're getting too close to not be dating now and I really don't want to be dating him so I'm at a loss for what to do other than get drunk and have sex... we'll call that plan A. Well, I'm going to get back to wishing I was naked with Jason Bateman now. |
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| She took the oldsmobile out past condor ave.... |
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| 09:07pm 27/09/2005 |
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mood:  relieved
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Fuck it, I'm just going to start all over because it's been so damn long.
I'm Nicolie. I'm 20. I live in Queen Anne, Seattle. I am a preschool teacher. I live with a girl I know from highschool named Elle. I love Elliott Smith, making mixes, and other things? I like to read... a fan of Dave Eggers (who I met!), Charles Bukowski, and Wally Lamb (though he needs to come out with something a little more recent). I also like to read and write short (sudden fiction) stories... usually considering taboo subjects. There's a refeshing look at me!
My day was shitty. My boss likes to vent to me about how unhappy she is with our center. I was really upset this morning because we didn't have any milk for the kids... fucking milk! So, I called the cook into my room and walked to the store quickly because the kids were burning their mouths on oatmeal. When I got back I asked Stephanie (my boss) if I could speak with her and told her how I was feeling. She used Charles (the cook, and a good friend of mine) as a scapegoat, saying that he needed to take some responsibility for not telling her that we were out of milk. She went off for awhile and Mac (the more difficult kid in my class) was scratching people's faces and crawling onto window ledges while Ava (who's mom does not understand the concept of a diaper) is shitting in her underwear and yelling "Change me!" Wow... fun times at Cosmopolitan Kids! But, I did get my new phone from the post office today and finally got my internet to work. Plus, Noah (my good friend) is in town this weekend and I babysit for a family that pays me over 12$ an hour the day after tomorrow, so I'll make some extra money. And Nate is back from Europe so working is a little bit more fun.
I bought the best fucking muffins ever for... dinner. I need to go take a shower. Goodnight! |
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| We're gonna set the world on fire... |
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| 08:50pm 27/09/2005 |
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mood:  content music: Sam Ashworth - World on Fire
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I'm back... I have my own computer with my own internet now! So... you'll be seeing more of me. |
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| I put a spell on you, you fall asleep and I put a spell on you... |
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| 04:24pm 23/04/2005 |
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mood:  happy music: Aqualung - Strange and beautiful
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I'm on the island visiting my parents today. Damn... there never was a more beautiful place than Bainbridge Island. But I can't escape from nostaliga sitting in my mom's car on a beautiful day like today. The last time I was here I took the ferry over with a guy from highschool named Spencer who was friends with a guy I would, on and off, be enfatuated with named Chad. I asked how he was and Spencer said not only Chad, but a good majority of people from our highschool got into crack in a bad way, away at college.
There was a woman at Elle's work that told her she moved to Bainbridge to raise her child.
"Watch out, there are a lot of drugs there" said Elle.
"I've heard that but I think it's just a rumor." said the woman... she couldn't be more wrong. There isn't a single thing to do on the island except party and now all the kids are moving out- despite still being in school, to party in Seattle. These kids grow up to fast and get so lost. I'm thankful that I was forced to take my time with moving out.
Anyway, my job is good, apartment is good, friends are good. My love life is dead- but oh well. There's a bar downtown called the Twilight Martini lounge that Elle and I go to and it makes us feel like celebrities... the kind of attention we get is amazing. Because of this and the occasional getting asked for my number- I feel like I don't need to really worry about getting a boyfriend right now. The only down side is that Elle is kind of dating (older men) now and it'll leave me in the dust. It's tough when the person you're being single with finds someone.
I'm going to Portland to visit my birth family next weekend but for some reason I'm not that excited. I'm sure it will be nice when I get there. Anyhow... here is where I say 'goodbye'!
-Nicolie |
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| "The sky feel down and all you did was blink..." |
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| 05:11pm 26/03/2005 |
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mood: calm music: Sondre Lerche - Love You
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Not that too many people will ever see this... but I feel like writing anyway. I'm at the library, bored and stoned. I teach a toddler class in a Queen Anne Preschool now. It's the best job in the world. I'm dateless and that sucks, but my life seems to be very harmonious. Not much to say because I don't have the time to sit and sift through what things I should include and what things just don't matter. I hope everyone is well. - Nicolie |
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| Let him go and walk out your door, come to me- I'm gonna set you free... |
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| 03:19pm 26/12/2004 |
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mood:  girly music: The Black Keys - Set you Free
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My, oh my! These past weeks/months have been very eventful. I'll start with December 10th, when Elle and I threw a killer X-mas party. Nearly twenty people stuffed themselves into our tiny apartment and fun and festivities began. Zac came and brought his friend Rand (yes... his name is actually Rand). Despite wanting things to happen with Brendan, who was one of the earlier guests to arrive, Rand was very persistent and very sexy, he was mine for the night. Come three a.m. the people who were staying the night (Brendan, Julia, Scott, Zac, and Rand) started to slowly fall asleep. Rand crawled into my bed and traced my tattoo with his finger and kissed it- very sexy. Rand, unfortunately, is 22 and has had a good amount of time for hit-and-misses as far as what works to get a girl into bed. He's very sly and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't fairly infatuated with him by the end of the night. Like Zac and all of those Michigan boys he has a Boston-like accent and I've never been more tempted than a shirtless guy telling me how "fuckin' cute" I am in his adorable accent.
Elle and I intended to take the next day to clean slightly and relax. We fell asleep early and woke up at 4:30 am to Zac and Rand calling us from IHOP, drunk off of their asses. They wanted us to drive to the U-district to hang out with them. By the time we got there they were all passed out on the couch in front of girls gone wild... classy, huh? Despite Zac saying Rand wanted me there, Rand had no idea I was coming and it was fairly evident that he wanted to leave our one night stand at just that. The other Michigan boy, Chad was into me. But, I was skeptical of any guy at this point and didn't want anything to do with him. In retrospect he's a very nice guy but then again, so was Rand. Zac and Chad went home to Michigan for the holidays while Rand is staying in the U district. The night after this Julian and David came over and we had a White Russian marathon (no one makes one like me!) things got weird, that's all I can really say. Nothing scandalous happened, but they were trying.
I'm being very girly right now in the way that I'm jonesin' for someone. I just want someone to kiss, kissing is awesome. Don't mean to toot my own horn, but toot toot, I'm skillful at it. I get so swept up into anyone who takes the time to seduce me. I'm well aware this is a bad thing- but I still want it. Someone who wants you so bad that they strategize and come up with a whole schpeel. Corey was the first guy to ever do that to me. The republican bastard had me thinking he loved everything I did. A self acclaimed Elliott Smith fan who was so disgusted by the Bush administration. He had me so close to leaving Travis by reminding me of how long it had been since I'd been on an actual date. He told me to dress up and he'd bring me flowers and the whole nine and by the end of the night when he realized he wouldn't be getting laid he showed his true colors. Anyway... anyone... kisses?
I'm home for the holidays right now and have never been drunk around my parents as much as I have this holiday season. We went to a family gathering that no one really wanted to be at and my mom poured herself a glass of straight whiskey and said "this is how bad I want to go home". I had three Tom and Jerry's done and went on to have three cheap white trash beers... not PBR but Bud Light, second down as far as white trash goes. My cousin Kristan married into a hick southern family and they have this party every year. I hate it... every year. Christmas was good. I got a new mattress, a DVD player, Chris Baty's book "No Plot? No Problem!" (strangely enough I mentioned wanting this book to my mom nearly a half hour after she saw it in a book store and bought it for me), two scarfs, a foot spa (for both Elle and I, labeled "to the working girls!"), and a bunch of first aid, emergency kit kind of stuff, a magnet that says "Call your mom, she worries" and a huge book called "Where's mom now that I need her?!". Can you tell my mom is having Nicolie Withdrawals. My brother got me this gnarly hippie key chain and this huge wall painting of a Chinese character. He habitually gets me things with Chinese characters that he doesn't know what they say. |
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| 11:23pm 27/11/2004 |
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mood:  depressed music: Sad music...
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| This cup of coffee, if they make it any stronger, might wake somebody up... |
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| 10:13pm 27/11/2004 |
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mood: depressed music: Courtney Brock - Screwdriver
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My apartment is a mess...
...I'm slightly depressed right now- no reason at all other than my medication has been at my place and I'm at home. This is aggravating because for the next couple days I'm going to feel very sad for no reason at all, while trying to reimburse my body for the days I neglected to do what I should have. I don't want to work. I don't want to go to school. I don't want my friends to leave and go back to college. Life would be blissful if I could lay in bed all the time, guilt free. It would seem as though my appreciation for life would die- but it's all I want to do anyway and if I had it- my appreciation would be endless. Fuck fucking CFS and it's tendency to suck the life out of me. I should get my sleep schedule back to where it should be. I'm supposed to strictly limit myself to eight hours of sleep a night and never take any naps. There was never a more impossible feat. I've sleep two straight days in a row, save bathroom breaks. But, the point is- is that this was easy, I'd do this all the time if left alone for too long. Why do I feel the need to whine to the world about this? I'm not sure...
Michael didn't call or come over. Honestly, my feelings were hurt, but I suppose I set myself up for this. I like Michael a lot. There are a lot of things that I need to quit dwelling on. Is this all I am lately? I am merely someone who is perpetually stuck on the past? I suppose I am. Noah and his friends Haley and Mick came over to my place, joined by Scott. The lack of alcohol and people who enjoy smoking pot instead made for bland times, however. I really liked seeing No and will miss him when he goes back home, tomorrow morning. He slept in my bed and it was nice to hug someone while you drift off, and there being no sexual pressure. Having a gay best friend is the best of both worlds.
I have a sinking feeling that Elle is going to want to stay in Utah when she gets back. I don't know what to do with this. Move home? Get a roommate that I don't know at all? But then again, nothing sounds appealing right now. I shouldn't have written this depressed crap, I don't know what to do with the way I feel right now. I shouldn't skip pills like this. |
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| You said "Really, I just want to dance, good and evil match perfect it's a great romance"... |
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| 02:29pm 25/11/2004 |
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mood: excited music: Elliott Smith
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HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!
I am here at my parents house. I woke up late, around 11:30 and did house work to get ready for company. I feel like I am capable of so much more after living on my own. I admit to making an effort to impress my parents with my new found self sufficiency. Anyway, I did house work and then the dishwasher flooded and water emptied out onto our kitchen floor. My parents grew very irritable with each other:
Mom: It's always something, isn't it?!
Dad: Cath, now- stop it... alright, is the sink plugged?
Mom: I don't know.
Dad: (sighs) Cath, come on... did the sink fill up with water?
Mom: No... the dishwasher overflowed.
Dad: I know!
I wanted to magically have Charlie Brown and the great pumpkin and encourage a very movie-esque scene in which everyone stops fighting and watches the innocence of poor ol' Charlie Brown and forgets what they were upset about. But, instead I just kept vacuuming and my dogs continued to attack the vacuum as it made it's way across the family room floor. After this my mom suggested I go with my dad to go to the store and see my brother (he's a barista at safeway) and also to get a drying rack for the dishes. This sounded like a horrible idea. I was still in my pajamas and my dad was loudly sighing at my taking so long to get ready. But, I went and it was very nice to see everyone home for the holidays with their parents. Every few steps I'd stop to talk with someone I haven't seen in what feels like centuries. My dad comes in with a cart and we are walking toward the flowers. Then, I see Michael Gibbons from the corner of my eye. It's very my style to exaggerate my gestures in an attempt to be noticed by whoever it is I'm focusing on. I begin to doubt he'll look over and just keep on walking, not wanting to go up and say 'hello'. But, he does see me and we both wave to eachother and finish our conversations with our dads. I walked over and he gave me a big hug and asked how I'd been. We talked for awhile and I invited him to come over to my apartment tomorrow with Noah and his friends he brought from college and Scott. He said he'd love to come and asked if it was alright if he brought Scott Allen, Austin Jacobsen, and Dylan Carter. We walked to the photo place and I used their pens to write down my number for him. Needless to say, I'm still very excited about all this. Michael is such a great guy. I go on to assume I'll always have a thing for him despite the fact that he's moving to Japan in about a year. I wish he wouldn't. Anyway, it was nice to see my brother at the store. It always is despite this phoney "Dude! I still need to come see your place!" crap he does. It meant something at first but now, since he says it everytime, it seems so forced and cheesy. Shut up, Jason. But, he always does this "Stick!" and the customers look over at me and I feel nice. There was a customer asking Jason to top off his drink with breve or some crap and I was like "Yeah, and Jason- could you hurry up, you're pissing me off." and he laughed and said "Ya know what, Nicolie? You're just going have to wait like everyone else!" and the people around laughed. It was fun. I'm a dork in the way that I like things like that- they make me happy. Well, I'm having a good thanksgiving and I hope everyone else is as well. Bye everyone!!! Love, Nic |
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| Am I fooling you? Do you fall for it all or do you just see right through? |
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| 08:07pm 24/11/2004 |
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mood: Better than Before music: My Mix :)
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I'm at my parents house and it's Thanksgiving eve. Going home on the ferry was nice, I saw so many people from school and everything was tainted by the shared feeling of achievment. Elle is in Utah visiting her parents so the apartment is very quiet without her. I am going to see Noah tonight and I'm very excited. It sounds like some people will be coming over on Friday night to hang out... which is convienent because pot is in good supply and Scott, No and I are all planning on asking our older brothers for help in the beer department. Elle and I are thinking about throwing a Christmas party but aren't completely sure. We know we want to throw a New Years Party (because we have a view of the space needle from our court yard) and aren't quite sure about X-mas. ( What do you think Emily??? ) I am feeling well right now which is a change from the last few days that I'm been completely miserable because my chronic fatigue was seeming to me as though it was sucking the life from me. Nothing made me as happy as going to sleep and nothing made me cringe as much as the thought of waking up soon after that. But, I went to Scott's last night and it was nice to see him. We met near his place and went back to my apartment to smoke pot and get some coffee. The tattooed guy at the coffee shop gave me a complement on my scarf and struck up a conversation. I'd like to believe Scott in him pointing out that the barista was flirting, because I definitly wouldn't mind it. My ego thrives in Seattle because there is always someone who flatters me. Anyway, I'm liking being able to make mixes again... I just made one.
Elliott Smith - Twilight
Pilate - Into Your Hideout
Badly Drawn Boy - Born Again
Joseph Arthur - In The Sun
Frente - Labor of Love
Elliott Smith - A Distorted Reality is Now a Necessity to be Free
Joel Plaskett - Radio Fly
Patrick Park - Past Poisons
Future Leaders of the World - Let Me Out
Spoon - Something to Look Forward to
Neutral Milk Hotel - King of Carrot Flowers pt.1
The Magnetic Fields - I Don’t Believe in you
Ron Sexsmith - From Now on
Elliott Smith - Memory Lane
Luna - Speed bumps
Faultine (featuring the Flaming Lips) - The Colossal Gray Sunshine
Brian Houston - Practical Reminder
Rosavelt - Last Heartache
Augie March - Little Wonder
Courtney Brock - Screwdriver
Elliott Smith - Fond Farewell to a Friend
Anyway, I might write tomorrow but I'm not sure. |
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| The game looks easy, that's why it sells... |
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| 05:40pm 25/10/2004 |
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mood: happy music: Elliott Smith - Fond Farewell
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Seattle is such a far cry from Bainbridge. So much has happened in the short time I've been living there:
Elle and I now have two huge black guys that are our dealers- they like us and hopped the fence into our court yard to try and get us to let them in... creepy? Yes.
Elle and I get dressed up and walk around downtown Seattle on Fridays and we've had a lot of strange experiences that have spidered from that, including two beautiful guys taking us to a party in their brand new BMW. But, they were rich whiney boys who weren't used to not fucking who ever they wanted and one threw an all out temper tantrum when he was shot down by me- because I was still dating Jeremy, and Elle- because she's a prude.
Julia, Emily Lewis, Elisa and Roxanne all came over last week. From the fun that just Emily had killing the last of our Hose Cuervo, I decided to call Jeremy and ask him to come over and bring beer. He bought beer and brought a joint so all of us were either stoned or drunk and it was a damn good time.
Later that night Jeremy and I broke up. It was hard, it's hard to break up with someone you care about. He asked if we could have sex and we did- but during he looked into my eyes and said "I don't want this with anyone else" and I felt myself crumble inside. I wanted to relieve him so badly and just say 'OK, we can still be together.' but there was a horoscope from Seattle Weekly that was so shockingly applicable that I couldn't deny it any longer.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Put down your bifocals for just a second, please. Everyone views the world through lenses—these vary individually in clarity and scope. Virgos' filters, for example, are more elaborate and specialized than most. This is no critique; your admirably conscious choices about how to perceive reality hold up astonishingly well, even when life hands you a load of shit. But they are weird, and specific. The problem occurs when someone desperately wants to become part of your inner world (like now), only they can't wrap their heads around what they find there; it's so different from what they're used to. You've let them struggle along solo for long enough. Now it's time to clue them in.
I love Jeremy, but I don't want a future with him. Upon saying this to him he tries to assure me that neither does he. That used to be enough for me to convince myself it was morally right to date him. But Jeremy is a 28 year old man, and everyone else in his life is moving on, getting married, and starting families. I'm holding him back and if I know he believes he's going to change my mind (despite what he says) I need to do what's right. He left the apartment as Elle was walking in and she reported he was crying. It's not often I'm the one who wants to break up. I always find myself as the one who's trying to salvage the relationship, but I love Jeremy as an amazing friend- I just can't convince myself to feel any other way.
I hate school, I didn't expect to hate it this much already, but I do. I can never force myself to get up to go to school. I find myself surrounded by useless information and the same bullshit I was induldging in highschool.
Things with my parents are amazing. We're actually friends now.
I hate George Bush. I also hate George Schnibbe, my landlord. He has still not fixed my refrigerator which is dripping perspiration in/on to all my food. Disgusting.
I am completely swept away by Elliott Smith's new CD. The voice holds so much emotion. Fond Farewell to a cry brings me close to crying. Not because I'm in the mood for drama and like to pretend I knew him personally, but because the music itself is so fucking moving. It's amazing.
I'm having dinner with my parents and going home afterwards.
Love, Nicolie. |
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| I'm a liar and a cheat in prison, accused of telling the truth |
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| 07:16pm 02/10/2004 |
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mood:  sick music: Let me out - future leaders of the world
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I'm going into my third week of apartment life. It's definitely different. Living in the city seems to have an infinite amount of romantic possibilities. Everywhere you go, someone smiles at you in that defined way. It's nice... on bad days it helps cheer me up. Elle and I have been loving the apartment and the freedom that comes with it. At night we'll walk to Larry's Food Market and do our shopping. It's so strange for everything to either be in walking distance or accessible by bus. I love the bus, too. It's so strange. So many strange things happen. People saying weird crap and little bits of strange conversations. Jeremy and I aren't really doing well. I stopped liking him (I never told him about this because there was nothing concrete to discuss,and then when it appeared that he was loosing interest as well I changed my mind. So I went all crazy for him and now he's much more interested in hanging out with his friends than seeing me. I'm not even close to being a priority. I miss my family, I'm at their house right now- visiting. I have a cold right now... and the sniffles. My eyes want to shut really badly. Napoleon Dynamite is the best movie ever! |
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| I've got a pet hedgehog, drinkin' yager all day... |
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| 03:15pm 01/09/2004 |
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mood: let down music: Ben Kweller - Family Tree (I've been in a Ben Kweller mood)
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Tomorrow is my birthday... and every single birthday plan I had isn't working out. My mom's sick again, my friends are broke, and Jeremy is a failure. I could be wrong, but I really don't think he has anything planned. I think most girls can relate that they'll have these hopes and even toward the end- still have a little voice in the back of their head saying 'no, they're just acting like they're not going to do anything so that it'll be a big surprise when they do! And then they disappoint. Men... why? |
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| Watch me dive right in, to the shallow end... |
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| 11:05pm 30/08/2004 |
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mood:  moody music: Ben Kweller - whatever song has the lyrics that are my title
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Today was a crappy day. My mom is so depressed because she's constantly exhausted and now she has this rash that is growing rapidly. She doesn't seem phased by it, but I'm freaking out. If I were her- I'd see a doctor over a cough!
My birthday is on Thursday! WOOHOO! I'm stoked. I'm expecting a number of good CDs and am totally stoked. I just said that. Anyway, Wednesday is Red Robin day... I'm going out with my family and Elle is most likely coming. Yay for that. Then, Thursday I open presents when I get home from work. Friday is Jeremy's day for birthday present giving. Friday night, I'm going on a mini-trip with Elle to Ocean Shores (possibly with Zac and Jeremy). Then, the week after that I'm probably going to Oregon with Scott to see Noah and my birth family.
I went out with Jeremy tonight. He's in trouble for having blown off dinner plans we'd made two nights in a row and promised he'd 'make it up to me' tonight. We went to dinner where we had our first date and I was being a complete bitch until he called me on it ("Will you drop your attitude for Gods-sake?") and then I chilled a little bit. He did a nice thing that made me completely stop when, even after I declined his invitation to order something to drink- he asked for an iced tea from the waiter... which is my favorite drink. Later we walked down on the docks and looked at the full moon. That guy is damn good a giving me compliments, major brownie points.
Elle picked me up and we drove around, she had a bad day so I mostly sat and listened. She's got her new Jeep that she inherited from her aunt and she can't drive a stick worth shit. She's pissed about that and the rich, snooty, assholes that she works for. She's a nanny and the mom was two hours late on Friday, knowing Elle had a plane to catch (she missed two boats and barely made her flight) and brushed it off like it was no big deal. Also, Elle drives those spoiled brats (I love little kids and it takes a lot for me to call one a "spoiled brat". So believe me, it's deserved) everywhere and not only do they not pay her gas, they deduct the time she spends driving from her pay check because she's not "putting any energy into looking after the kids". Serious... they are what gives Bainbridge a bad name.
I'm working a three hour shift tomorrow and then going up to my school and seeing if I can find any used books for my classes. I bet I need one for each class, too. Argh. I'm gaining weight and breaking out- damn, I'm sexy. I took a diet pill today that just about made me want to puke. God damn societal expectations for women! Oh well, I'm content.
I mowed the lawn yesterday and am sore. I'd like to take a bubble bath and think I probably will. Ohh ohh! I'm totally going to, with candles and incense and lay out my pajamas and get a towel and washcloth fresh out of the laundry. Woohoo! Awesome. Later though... later tonight.
Mmmk... goodnight! |
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| Soundtrack to my Life |
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| 12:06am 29/08/2004 |
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The Soundtrack to Your Life Survey
Make a soundtrack for your life, matching songs with the following:
Opening song: Don't Think Twice - Bob Dylan
Waking up: Color Bars - Elliott Smith
First date: Falling - Ben Kweller
First kiss: Dry Kisses - Gus Black
Falling in love: Home for Now - Patrick Park
Seeing an old love: Make it Up - Ben Kweller
Heartbreak: I Better be Quiet Now - Elliott Smith
Driving fast: Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground
Getting ready to go out: Blue Highway - Heatmiser
Partying with friends: Running with Scissors
Dancing at a club: Trigger Hippie - Morcheeba
Flirting: Hospital Bed - Ben Kweller
Feeling sexy: Set you Free - The Black Keys
Walking alone in the rain: Nightmare Girl - Aimee Mann
Missing someone: Warning Sign - Coldplay
Playing in the ocean: Aqueous Transmission - Incubus
Summer vacation: King of Carrot Flowers - Neutral Milk Hotel
Fighting with someone: How to be Dead - Snow Patrol
Acting goofy with friends: Come on Home - Franz Ferdinand
Thinking back: Remember Me - British Sea Power
Feeling depressed: Angeles - Elliott Smith
Christmas time: Happy Xmas (War Is Over) - John Lennon
Falling asleep: Les Jours Tristes - Yan Tiersen
Closing song: Box of Rain - Grateful Dead
Take The Soundtrack to Your Life Survey
Get more cool things for your blog at Blogthings |
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| You get up to leave and you hear in the dark, those early evenin' arrows are missin' their mark... |
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| 09:38pm 28/08/2004 |
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mood:  lethargic music: Patrick Park - Past Poisons
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This entry is going to be all over the place, because I can't think of how the hell else to tie all the little insignificant things together.
Work is good, Jeremy and I are good, things at home are good.
Things around the island seem to be calming.
Elle is in Utah.
My brother and his girlfriend were assholes the other day and I'm debating on whether to accept their apology so quickly.
Scott and I hung out the other night and got drunk.
Jeremy needs to get a fucking apartment so that we can just lay down together and watch movies....no sex until he does...
My brother's birthday was the 25th.
My birthday is in a few days (September 2nd).
I didn't take my pajamas off once today.
I gained five pounds because of birth control and don't have a gym membership anymore.
Noah left for Lewis and Clark, I talked to him the other day.
Mmmk, I'm pretty sure that that's THE END |
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| It's such a perfect day, when I'm with you... |
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| 12:59am 24/08/2004 |
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mood: peaceful music: Lou Reed - Perfect Day
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People are dying left and right, there is so much chaos on Bainbridge Island. Becky died, she dated Morgan and Chris and Scott knew her pretty well, I'd only met her a few times. Then another girl died, her name was Sarah and she had a twin sister. They both died in car accidents, Becky was so drunk she didn't even break before she hit the tree, but I think she was doing coke too. I need off the island... now. People on this island are going to soak this up into making their lives more dramatic. People who didn't even know them will suddenly become their best friends. People who knew them but didn't like them very well will speak of them favorably just to get in on the sympathy and attention from others. I remember this with Garth and Brian, when they killed themselves and with Kyle when he was in a coma. It sickens me, people convincing themselves that they're hurt by something so life-changing and important, when it doesn't concern them in the least. Can't people just say rest in peace, can there be a crisis on this god-damned island that these fucking teeny-boppers don't dissect for any bit of information that they have a slight chance of relating to and using to their advantage. Even Scott is doing this, treating Becky as though he knew her so well and they were so close. It's funny how even the pee-ons become outstanding members of society when they die... just because someone can benefit from it all that much more. Take Garth for example. This kid lived silently in horrible emotional and mental pain for years, never reaching out to anyone never calling attention to himself and the whole time was out casted by Bainbridge High, because he wasn't the cookie cutter result that they were looking for. So, he kills himself and these people that never gave him a chance, or never listened, or never waved to him in the hall- despite seeing him everyday, all the sudden became so close to Garth. How dare they? How fucking dare they take this kid's death and make it their own tragedy? Anyway, I'm looking for an out because I don't want to be around while everyone pretends to understand that the fact that our only source of entertainment on this god-for-saken island is house parties on the weekend and getting stoned in our friend's cars is, in fact, wrong and the school will tell parents they have a new drug and alcohol abuse program, the police will chime in saying they've raised their standards. I don't want any of that bullshit, because it will all go on the same as it ever did.
I'm really enjoying my job, not just my job- but my lifestyle. I feel like everything is with in reason right now. I'm going to school, I'm working, I'm looking for an apartment, I'm in a relationship that I'm not emotionally dependant on. Everything feels good. I blame Elle and I's wishing routine.
You get two quarters and one penny and think of a wish (only one, but it can be long and drawn out). Then you close your eyes, think of your wish and kiss the quarter before throwing it into a body of water. Do this again with the penny and the 2nd quarter. The 1st quarter is introducing the wish, the penny is the wish, and the 2nd quarter seals the deal. Elle and I have strict rules for wish making routines. Anyway- last time I did this my wish was "I'll get a job and everything in my life will fall into place"... coincidence??? ....maybe.
Anyway, Jeremy and I are doing OK. I've learned to stop taking our relationship as seriously as he does. I feel like he's driven by the idea of marriage. He lives with his best friend, of the same age- that's been married for ten years and has four children. The guy is twenty-eight! But, it's his fault, he should know that dating someone nine years younger than you will not lead to a marriage. He's just a horny guy who can be occasionally sweet that I have no immediate reason to not be with, so I'm dating at the moment.
My mom is always in pain right now, it keeps getting worse and worse. She's at home now and has been trying to get back into routines she had, cleaning, going to the store, etc... and it just isn't working out. She's pushing herself too much. Today I said "Mom, what's up?" when I came downstairs to get some iced tea and she said "Ehhhhh, I'm not doing so hot..." She was almost crying! "Can I do anything? That makes me scared for you, Mom!" "It scares me for me, too!" She answered. I don't know what to do for her- she's so frustrated, not being able to go about her usual. She said "I don't know what to do if it gets much worse". My poor Mommy! I went to Silverdale with her today to go birthday shopping for my brother and I. Jason's birthday is Wednesday and mine is a week from the following day (September 2nd). Canada?! Here I come!!! Goodnight lovelies! |
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| Just Yesterday Mornin', They Let me Know you Were Gone... |
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| 09:36pm 17/08/2004 |
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mood:  accomplished music: The Frank and Walters - Mrs. Xavier
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A conversation with Jeremy that took place on what straddles night fall and daybreak (1:42 a.m.) seemed to smooth things over pretty well. He called me because he was crashing at a co-worker's house, who happens to be gay. Jeremy didn't know any gay people until I introduced him to my friends so this situation was very foreign to him and like most straight guys I know he was afraid they were attracted to him. He asked what to do and I told him to speak with his body language and refer to me as his girlfriend often. It's aggravating that he assumes this guy likes him, he's probably already dating someone.
Anyway, I was half asleep and told Jeremy that I was feeling confused, because I was so sure of our relationship when he's there with me, but that it all seems to evaporate when I'm alone with my thoughts. He got kind of upset, with reason. I would too- but ofcourse I didn't think of this at the time. But, by the end of us talking, everything was (for the most part) resolved. I was still confused until he said "I haven't loved anyone like this for a long time." My stomache sank, it was so nice. He and I agreed to not have sex again until I said it was OK and he asked if we should not quit drinking, too- but he was drunk at his gay co-worker's house last night, so... I'm gonna go with 'no'.
I got a job and registered for all my classes, which feels really good. I start at this little paper products, Hallmark-but-better type place on 4th and Seneca on Thursday at 10:00. I'll be making eight bucks an hour, which is pretty good for retail.
Then I have my classes:
9-9:50 Introduction to Mass Media
10-10:50 Mathematics
11-11:50 Introduction to Business
Well, I actually feel accomplished. I'm very happy about getting a job, I'm all set for school, things are well with Jeremy, and I made a killer mix, just now. Bye. |
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